A shame Nigel didnae go tae the Grammar

Judge turns up at Biggar Show
Judge turns up at Biggar Show

The Cattle Section chief judge arrives at Biggar Show

Dinnae fash yirsel: it’s just the soond o’ mah grandpaw birlin’ in his grave.

Y’see, the Carnwath Headie (for it was he) was a great man for his history and even helped make some o’ it, being lifted at some major stramash in George Square efter World War Wan at which the British Army, complete wae tanks, turned up tae play polis, wae literally riotous results.

This is why, in 1968, the (by-then) auld fella kent EXACTLY whit went wrang during Bloody Sunday .

He could huv saved the taxpayer the £195 million the lawyers sooked up frae us taxpayers during the 12-year inquiry intae the tragedy by telling the government the efternoon it happened that, as a wartime fighting unit, The Para’s are amang the best oan the planet. At controlling civil unrest, they’re absolute mince. The Headie probably started birlin’ last month when a London tabloid called oan the Army tae patrol the city streets tae deter knife crime. Whit next?

The Royal Navy tae escort the Crossford Raft Race? The SAS keeping order at The Lanimers? The RAF huvin’ a drone hovering ower the Carluke Gala Day parade? The Royal Marine Commandoes ensuring the Quothquan WI monthly meeting disnae get oot o’ haund?

Onyway, whit might huv also contributed tae the restlessness o’ his spirit wis the apparent total lack o’ knowledge o’ history amang oor maistly privately-educated high-heedjins.

It wis aboot thirty years ago that ah wis stunned at whit Shakespeare wid huv described as the pure deid ignorance o’ Margaret Thatcher as she danced oan the grave o’ the Soviet Union. She telt the world the glad tidings that “democracy has returned to Russia!”

Weel, she didnae go tae Lanark Grammar or she wid huv been taught that Russia neever HUD democracy tae return tae, despite a close call tae it fur eight months back in 1917. Actually, some may argue that it hasn’t even got democracy noo although ah’m far tae feart o’ Novochok tae agree wae that.

And then we hud Nigel Farage haein’ a stooshie in the Euro Parliament, claiming that oor General Haig hud, in 1914, acted tae save Ypres frae the Germans.

Did he stuff. General Haig - and Embra man byrraway (which micht explain a lot) - didnae take command o’ the British Army in France and Belgium until 1915.

The heid bummer at the time wis a General French, a name Nigel obviously couldnae bring himsel’ tae utter.

THEN there wis some well-meaning but ill-taught wumman oan the telly last week, quite rightly promoting the pairt Asian sodjers fae the British Empire played in winning two world wars. She went a wee bitty ower the tap claiming that “Indian soldiers were the first to land on the beaches at Dunkirk”.

Ah wis telt by mah Great Uncle Bill - who wis reluctantly there at the time - that the consenus o’ opinion amang him and his comrades wis tae get AFF the beaches at Dunkirk sae fast their bahookies were a blur. Indeed, he boasted that he wis in Dunkirk when the first German shot wis fired.

And in the Prince Charlie pub oan Shettleston Road when the second wan wis.