Find out why our chief reporter wants to escape from reality...TV that is!
Allow me tae explain...
By happy chance, mah favourite gag by Frankie Boyle is also probably his ONLY wan I can repeat in a family newspaper like oors.
Mind when some clueless, lazy hack accused Frankie o’ being ‘racist’ and quite rightly got his bahookie sued aff?
Weel, that was a wee bitty unfair because Frankie CAN be awfy, awfy hard oan at least wan race – his ain!
Ah think he summed up us greetin’-faced Scots perfectly in yon aforementioned gag which involved John Logie Baird walking doon a Glescae street and being acclaimed by the punters thus: ”Haw-hay; Logie’s the Wee Man! Gaun yirsel! Invented the telly! Nice wan!, etc, etc.”
The great Caledonian inventor simply grimaced and replied: “Aye. Mebbe so, but there’s NOTHING oan worth watchin’ ..”.
We’ve all had increasing cause tae sympathise wae yon view, especially since digital telly came in, giving us 900 channels wae hee-haw worth seeing on ony of them.
When there is, it’s nearly always an endlessly-recycled auld Seventies BBC comedy show where the main entertainment tae be had is spotting which few members o’ the cast are still alive, if ony.
Ah swear there are certain episodes o’ Porridge, Fawlty Towers and Blackadder ah know the lines o’ better than the actors ever did!
And when they try tae make fresh fare for the box, it’s almost inevitably mince – and even then the dodgy variety o’ mince frae Romania wae bits o’ saddle and mane in it.
A new low was hit in the past week wae a new Beeb show which features live action – wait fur it...knitting!
Now that she’s finished wrecking Film 2013, the Beeb is trying tae get its contract money’s worth oot the truly glakit Claudia Winkleman by handing her The Great British Sewing Bee tae compere.
Now, back when we lived briefly in Car-L, mah maw was part o’ a ‘sewing bee’ which, when it came oor hoose’s turn tae host it, ah couldnae help but notice involved gey little sewing but a lotta gin and tonics and a helluva lot mair gabbing.
At the time ah thought that this knitting caper must be a lotta fun as the volume o’ the giggling and laughter coming frae the living room grew steadily louder and louder as the night wore oan.
Y’see, yon numptie telly bosses don’t seem tae realise that what we DON’T want in these hard times is endless reality shows awaiting us when we come hame and slump in front of the box at night, desperate tae ESCAPE reality for a few hours!
Onyway, I’m aff tae the BBC wae a great idea for a programme ah’m certain yon mugs will pay me a fortune for: How does “Live Shortbried-making and Flower Arranging at Auchengray WRI” sound tae you?
STOP PRESS: I see that’s Mrs Thatcher awa’, then. I think I’ll follow the wise advice o’ mah sainted Carnwath granny: If you’ve nothing guid tae say aboot somewan, it’s best tae say nothing at a’. Amen.